Searching For Terms In All The Wrong Places

It’s that time of year again folks: the time of year when I take my favorite search engine terms from the past few weeks and feature them here to the delight and amusement of…me.  And hopefully you.  We’ve got some doozies this time, so enjoy!

  1. should I buy a week’s worth of groceries?  I love questions like this.  Totally open-ended questions that divulge nothing whatsoever about your lifestyle, spending habits, cooking skills, number of mouths to feed or personal tastes, therefore almost guaranteeing that any possible answer that a search engine — or a person — could give you will be utterly useless.  Sure!  Buy a week’s worth of groceries!  Or don’t!  I just answered your question!  Whee!!!
  2. is pinkberry kosher for passover?  Although I incorporate a lot of Yiddish phrases into my everyday vocabulary as a result of having a whole lot of Heeb friends throughout my life and prefer Hebrew National hot dogs over any other brand, I don’t think that these two things qualify me as an expert on either Pinkberry or kosher food.  Also, here in Houston we’re blessed not to have Pinkberry in the first place.  We have TCBY, people.  Straight up. But in an effort to answer your question, Pinkberry is still a bit of a mystery.  If there’s any gelatin in it at all, then it’s not kosher, period.  During Passover or any other time.  Kosher means you can’t mix dairy and animal products, which means that yogurt containing gelatin would be non-kosher.  However, if it doesn’t contain gelatin, then you’re fine.  And it’s not made from grain and therefore wouldn’t be considered chametz.  …honestly.  You’re a really bad Jew for not knowing that…  I bet you didn’t get rid of all your chametz before Passover, either, did you, schmendrik?  Long story short: just eat some of this if you’re craving dessert during the Seder:  Cure for Passover blues.
  3. asperation dates on food?  I don’t even know where to begin with this question.  What are you asking?  Are you asking about “expiration” dates?  I hope so, because I wouldn’t know anything about mandated due dates for making food rough and uneven.  Either way, I’m pretty sure no one’s going to answer your question until you learn how to spell.
  4. how to slaughter a lamb on a farm?  Is this even your lamb to begin with?  That’s what concerns me here.  If you’re working on a farm, and that lamb belongs to you, you should bloody well know how to slaughter it without having to resort to Google.  Otherwise, you might want to find a new occupation.  If this isn’t your lamb, you have larger problems which are too numerous to address here.
  5. your can cep about happiness?  …yeah.
  6. rachael ray naked pics?  NO.  NO, NO, NO.  STOP ASKING.  Every single godforsaken day since I wrote this article, I’ve had this same question crop up at least three times per day.  Same goes to you creeps looking for naked Cat Cora pictures.  I mean, there’s food pr0n (the good kind, like this: use real butter) and then there’s me wretching in my mouth at the idea of boudoir photographs of Rachael Ray floating around out there somewhere on the internet.  SHE’S NOT EVEN CUTE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  IT’S LIKE LOOKING FOR NAKED PICTURES OF A STOAT.

That’s it, folks.  To take a line from Jon Stewart and I’ve Got The Munchies, here’s your Moment of Zen:

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12 responses to “Searching For Terms In All The Wrong Places

  1. eatingindallas

    You know… all that is just a little bit horrifying. Especially the Rachel Ray part. I can’t even really think about that.

    (Maybe gypsies will come and kidnap her.)

  2. Odd, I found your blog initially searching for pictures of nude pinkberries slaughtering lambs by exposing them to a weeks worth of Rachel Ray cep.

    Small world.

  3. Cute stuff. Don’t you wish sometimes you could communicate directly with the searchers whose terms end with a question mark?

    I get the Ray Ray in the buff hits too…along with more than I care to think about for similar Hillary photos. (eewww?)

  4. this whole post cracked me up. a stoat! hahahaha.

    and I don’t think I’ve heard the word “shmendrik” since my dad died. that word is too funny.

  5. You’re relatively lucky – I still get an inordinate amount of sickos looking for “monkey brains.”

    I’d rather have Rachael Ray sickos. :)

  6. I can’t believe you had a link to naked stoat pics…you’re blog is going the NSFW route faster than mine.

    You don’t even want to know what search engine terms pop up over at Awesomeness…but I guess it’s my fault thanks to my pervy tags.

  7. Wow, you get whole sentences? I just get things like “recipe salted cashews chocolate brownies” or “cuban stuff.” Just found your blog and enjoy it quite a bit. Have you tried the wasabi shumai at Osaka? They rock!

  8. @ eatingindallas: Oh, one can only hope… ;)

    @ Cory: You utter perv; Rachael Ray cep can only be found in Japan anyway. :D

    @ ellaella: Nude Hillary photos? Wow, you do cater to a different crowd… :

    @ melissa: I’m on a mission to revive the word “schmendrik.” I think it’s a great descriptive word without being too terribly offensive. That and “schlemiel.”

    @ MF: That’s what you get for dissecting the famous Temple of Doom scene on your blog… ;)

    @ mrcanacorn: But I DO want to know! I think we need a post from you on your weirdest tags. Knowing your blog, it would be hilarious.

    @ croquecamille: I can only guess that they’re coming from Ask Jeeves… But, yeah, I get the random phrases, too: “recipe rogan josh if don’t have a yogurt” and “expired spinach” and the like. I haven’t been to Osaka yet, but I’ll take your rec and get over there as soon as I can. :)

  9. Aww, we don’t have pinkberry, but we’re starting to get a boatload of imitations in Houston anyway.

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