Easy Cheesy Pizza Teasies

Lately, something that’s very high up on the list of Things I Utterly Despise is the newest Olive Garden commercial. You know the one. The husband and wife are telling their Olive Garden waitress (who, in real life, would not give two shits about why you’re there or even what you want to order) that they’re at Olive Garden tonight because they’re “treating” themselves.

Wait… what? Treating yourselves? At Olive Garden?

You could have sat at home and microwaved a can of Campbell’s minestrone soup and cooked a box of Hamburger Helper and accomplished the exact same thing, minus the tacky decor. Then again, if you’re “treating” yourselves by going to Olive Garden, then I imagine that the plastic ferns and faux Venetian plaster probably are your idea of haute interior design.

Or maybe you live in Waco, where I suffered for four years in the pursuit of higher education. In that case, Olive Garden and Red Lobster were — seriously, far and away — the nicest restaurants in town.  They were also ideally situated in the parking lot of the only mall in town.  And I believe they might have been the only restaurants in Waco to give you cloth napkins.  In that case, your choices for a pleasant night out involved either cheese biscuits at the Red Lobster or driving two hours to Austin.

And if that’s the case, then run this abomination of a commercial in places like Waco or Abilene or Lufkin.   That crap does not belong on the air in Houston, or any other major city.  Because we hate it, and hate you even more by association, Olive Garden.

I think MadTV summed it up best: