Worst. Chips. Ever.

Over at a website as deeply satisfying as a big bag of salt and pepper Kettle chips, the intrepid snack food reviewers at Taquito.net have compiled a hilarious list of their ten worst chips ever.

I have to admire not only the bravery required to try some of the chips (Howard’s Crispy Fried Chicken Skins, anyone?), but also their humorous and vivid reviews.  Thanks to them, I will never have to try a Sepasang Naga Squid Cracker to know that it tastes like “…dead fish that didn’t make it into shore via net, but rather was carried in by the tide.”

The only chips on this list that I can say I’ve actually tried are the Monster Munch Pickled Onion, which my husband quite fancies.  Then again, he also likes mushy peas and Branston Pickle.  I think his tastebuds may have been permanently damaged by growing up English.  To their credit, I didn’t think they were nearly bad enough to be included on this list.  I like pickled onion-flavored crisps, just not Monster Munch.  Their texture is too close to that of Funyuns, which are just…an inexcusable mess of a snack food.  For my money, Hula Hoops are the oddly-shaped English crisps to go with if that’s your bag.

The Calbee Seaweed Potato Chips bring to mind strong memories of my college friend, Yeon, who hailed from Korea.  He ate the foulest-smelling foods known to man: a gut-boiling mix of protein shakes (to build muscle) and Korean food, i.e., lots of cabbage and seaweed.  He wolfed down several bags of Seaweed Potato Chips a day, washed down by Weight Gain 4000, or whatever ungodly product GNC had sold him at the mall.  As you might imagine, he had some rather…um…odiferous…um…how to say this politely?  You know what?  I can’t, so let’s just move on.

Here are the top ten chip offenders, listed in reverse order of least disgusting to “oh-my-God-this-must-be-what-evil-tastes-like”:

  1. Flat Earth Baked Veggie Crisps: Peach Mango Paradise
  2. Tako Chips: Octopus Flavored

  3. Vale D’Ouro Biscoitos de Polvilho
  4. Sebaround Cheese Rings
  5. Humpty-Dumpty Sour Cream & Clam Ripple Chips
  6. Calbee Seaweed Potato Chips
  7. Monster Munch Pickled Onion
  8. Howard’s Crispy Fried Chicken Skins
  9. Cuttlefish Flavored Snacks
  10. Sepasang Naga Squid Cracker

You couldn’t make up some of these names.  I mean…Ripple?  Seriously?  Why not just call it “Clam and Cream Hooch”?  I can just imagine the high-end demographic that would appeal to.

Your interest should be well-piqued by now, so head on over to Taquito.net and read the full review of each disastrous snack food / chip for yourself, and then give thanks for UTZ when you’re done.