Google Fever

It’s been nearly a week since I posted anything.  A week!  What’s come over me, your daily (and sometimes twice- or thrice-daily) poster?  Work, people.  Work.  Like, real Day Job work.  I’m sorry; I don’t like it any more than you do.

Because I’ve been so busy with Day Job stuff, I haven’t even been cooking proper dinners when I finally get home at night.  My husband has been subsisting off old meatballs and beer-cheddar flavored Kettle Chips left over from our Superbowl party.  He’s not complaining, strangely, and I think he’s actually enjoying this whole week of junk food and random, assorted beers from the cooler in the back yard.  He’ll change his tune when all of that starts to catch up with his waistline, though…

Anyway, since I haven’t been cooking and have been doing really boring things instead, like CMS data match spreadsheets and TPS reports, I don’t have anything decently food-related to post today.  But I won’t let that stop me from posting something.

One of my favorite things to do is take a peek at the awesome page in the admin section of WordPress that allows you to see what search terms have led people to your page.  The vast majority of search terms leading people to she eats. are fairly average things like “spaghetti bolognese recipe” and “Landry’s goes private” and “J Alexanders review” and things along those lines.

But every once in a while, you get some good ones:

1.  my coworker stilling my lunch — Not once, not twice, but five times over the course of two days.  Someone (and I’m guessing it’s the same someone each time, by the creative spelling of the word “stealing”) is awfully concerned about office breakroom thievery.  Either that, or he’s desperately seeking out ways to convince his coworker to help him create moonshine out of his bologna sandwich and potato chips.

2.  licorice / bacteriology — The jury is still out on this one.  While I can’t fathom a possible connection between licorice and the study of bacteria, perhaps some intrepid bacteriologist out there has figured out that licorice has certain anti-microbial qualities and will soon come out with a successful line of Anti-Bacterial Twizzlers.

3.  nutritional information waffle house grits — The only answer to this is: BAD.  If Waffle House served your grits along with a tiny card giving you the nutritional content of their grits, all it would say is: BAD.  SERIOUSLY, THESE THINGS ARE REALLY BAD FOR YOU.  WE PROBABLY USE PURE BACON GREASE AND TWENTY POUNDS OF BUTTER PER BATCH.  ENJOY.

4.  bart inside clam — I still fail to see how this search term led anyone to my page, much less two separate visitors.  I’m fairly sure they didn’t find what they were looking for.  And now that I’ve actually included the entire phrase in a blog post, I’m sure to confuse even more future visitors to this blog.  In an effort to appease these visitors, I have posted a picture of what is — to me — the most unappealing and disgusting food item I’ve ever personally encountered, the geoduck clam:


5.  bacon licorice — Chalk another one up for licorice, my least favorite candy ever.  Someone out there must like it, though.  And they like it enough to attempt to pair it with bacon, in an effort to produce some unholy licorice-bacon hybrid creature.  When that day comes, I quit.

6.  unhealthy food in houston — All around you, baby.  This shouldn’t be that hard.

7.  cartography of love — You want a map of my heart?  That’s sweet.  Seriously, though?  You’re in the wrong place.

8.  paint for white electric stove — I’m imagining the end result of this quest is going to be a fireball and a giant crater where someone’s mobile home used to be.  Yes, let’s paint a stove!  Let’s get that highly flammable paint up close and cozy with a mechanism purely designed for producing extremely high and prolonged temperatures!  The Darwin Awards are calling…

And my personal favorite:

9.  can you eat every part of a pig? — Yes.  Yes, you can, as this diagram helpfully illustrates:


I eagerly await next week’s batch of search terms.

7 thoughts on “Google Fever”

  1. I once made the mistake of describing a cooking accident as looking like “brain stew.”

    Since then, I get at least one “eat brains” or “monkey brain recipe” search per week. I wonder how disappointed they are when they get to my site.

  2. Anti Bacterial Twizzlers. Long over due!

    Actually, I must mention the perfectly reasonable search for stove paint. You do realize, unless you have a stainless steel stove, your stove *is* painted? There are special types of paint intended for ovens and my brother in law has a refurbishing business in which a great many kitchen do-overs involve changing the color of the stove from mustard yellow to fire engine red, and so forth. A special paint for a high heat oven does in exist, and repainting an appliance is really not that big a deal, and really beats buying a new oven when you have a decorating change in the works.

  3. @ Foodood: Heh. I’m imagining all the disappointed cannibals who leave your page muttering, “Another fakeout!”

    @ Foodie Cutie: Yes, that clam IS repulsive. How can a person eat something that looks like a an H.R. Giger creation?

    @ Debra: I had that idea first, and I will totally fight you to the death for it.

    @ evil chef mom: Hee! Yeah, your website isn’t exactly chock-full of naked moms — thankfully. 😉

    @ K: Are you my doppelganger? Excellent name. And, hey! I’ve learned something today! Who knew that there was stove paint? Thanks! 😀

  4. What fun! I got one today on the search term ‘topping for clobbers.’ Took me a moment to realize they meant cobblers.

    And at least once a month I get ‘fat free pie crust.’ Let’s see…that would be flour, water and salt. In other words, matzoh.

    No queries yet for cedar wraps but when those questions about wet cardboard come up, I own it!

    I’m blogrolling you – I’m not surprised to read you’re a friend of Moonbeam’s. Delighful content from both of you.

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