Searching For Terms In All The Wrong Places

It’s that time of year again folks: the time of year when I take my favorite search engine terms from the past few weeks and feature them here to the delight and amusement of…me.  And hopefully you.  We’ve got some doozies this time, so enjoy!

  1. should I buy a week’s worth of groceries?  I love questions like this.  Totally open-ended questions that divulge nothing whatsoever about your lifestyle, spending habits, cooking skills, number of mouths to feed or personal tastes, therefore almost guaranteeing that any possible answer that a search engine — or a person — could give you will be utterly useless.  Sure!  Buy a week’s worth of groceries!  Or don’t!  I just answered your question!  Whee!!!
  2. is pinkberry kosher for passover?  Although I incorporate a lot of Yiddish phrases into my everyday vocabulary as a result of having a whole lot of Heeb friends throughout my life and prefer Hebrew National hot dogs over any other brand, I don’t think that these two things qualify me as an expert on either Pinkberry or kosher food.  Also, here in Houston we’re blessed not to have Pinkberry in the first place.  We have TCBY, people.  Straight up. But in an effort to answer your question, Pinkberry is still a bit of a mystery.  If there’s any gelatin in it at all, then it’s not kosher, period.  During Passover or any other time.  Kosher means you can’t mix dairy and animal products, which means that yogurt containing gelatin would be non-kosher.  However, if it doesn’t contain gelatin, then you’re fine.  And it’s not made from grain and therefore wouldn’t be considered chametz.  …honestly.  You’re a really bad Jew for not knowing that…  I bet you didn’t get rid of all your chametz before Passover, either, did you, schmendrik?  Long story short: just eat some of this if you’re craving dessert during the Seder:  Cure for Passover blues.
  3. asperation dates on food?  I don’t even know where to begin with this question.  What are you asking?  Are you asking about “expiration” dates?  I hope so, because I wouldn’t know anything about mandated due dates for making food rough and uneven.  Either way, I’m pretty sure no one’s going to answer your question until you learn how to spell.
  4. how to slaughter a lamb on a farm?  Is this even your lamb to begin with?  That’s what concerns me here.  If you’re working on a farm, and that lamb belongs to you, you should bloody well know how to slaughter it without having to resort to Google.  Otherwise, you might want to find a new occupation.  If this isn’t your lamb, you have larger problems which are too numerous to address here.
  5. your can cep about happiness?  …yeah.
  6. rachael ray naked pics?  NO.  NO, NO, NO.  STOP ASKING.  Every single godforsaken day since I wrote this article, I’ve had this same question crop up at least three times per day.  Same goes to you creeps looking for naked Cat Cora pictures.  I mean, there’s food pr0n (the good kind, like this: use real butter) and then there’s me wretching in my mouth at the idea of boudoir photographs of Rachael Ray floating around out there somewhere on the internet.  SHE’S NOT EVEN CUTE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  IT’S LIKE LOOKING FOR NAKED PICTURES OF A STOAT.

That’s it, folks.  To take a line from Jon Stewart and I’ve Got The Munchies, here’s your Moment of Zen: