Things I Have Recently Eaten

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Baby boomers and click-bait headline generators want you to hate avocado toast as much as they hate themselves. I ate this ridiculously hearty version topped with fresh tomatoes and an overeasy egg at Edison & Patton and loved it as much as I love telling Millennials that they’re the next Greatest Generation. (This, of course, leaves plenty of room for a lazy Gen Xer like me to ride their coattails to a world where universal basic income will finally allow me to pursue my dream of photographing avocado toast full time.)

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This avocado toast from Bebidas was fine. Needed salt, acid. Pretty enough to merit a photo but the overall flavor profile was further turfed by those tragically gnarf alfalfa sprouts.

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“Are these just fancy chicken tenders?” I asked our waiter at Night Heron. He replied gamely. “Yes. And they come with buttermilk dipping sauce!” Also pictured: fancy smoked queso, which was even better poured directly on top of that bowl of crispy potatoes. Color outside those lines, y’all. Vincent, Morgan and Ryan aren’t your real moms.

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Jesus Christ, Barnaby’s. Did Brothers septuple your carrot order on accident?

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Shake Shack is here now. Okay.

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I put these photos next to one another on purpose. I get the appeal of these wee aluminum pans for restaurants, I really do. They’re inexpensive, they don’t have the annoying tendency to break like plates do, these ones right here don’t rust, et cetera. But I’m just going to leave this right here. (Also the bagels at Golden Bagel are great and the antithesis of any such sterile aesthetic.)

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The hot-and-sour boil at LA Crawfish in 99 Ranch (plus an unpictured side of garlic fried rice) remains a favorite quintessentially Houston experience for me. Bonus points can be gained throughout 99 Ranch by obtaining a case of cheap beer for the table, boba tea for the kids and half-price Chinese pastries for dessert on Sundays.

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Out of all the hot dog stands in Sunny Flea Market, my favorite has no name but can be found by looking for a woman working a massive griddle in between a stall that sells light-up shoes and one that sells baby t-shirts with slogans such as “Hecho in Estados Unidos con partes hondureñas.” Behind her is a small room with its walls and ceilings covered by Extruded Polystyrene Rigid Foam Insulation in a lovely shade of lavender. Your waiter will bring menus, but you really just want the dogs. The hot dogs are wrapped in raw bacon before being cooked, then topped with chopped onions, chopped tomatoes, jalapeños, mayonnaise and mustard after the Sonoran style. They’re $2. The ambience is priceless. Leave a tip; this is table service after all.

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I did, Cacao & Cardamom. I did eat you.

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